HELLO FALLS, WHERE THE SHITTING FUCK IS MY ITEM?
Hello consumer, thank you for the profanities. Your item will be delivered as soon as our bassist/administrator/laundry man remembers to check the e-mail account. Please do be patient with your order - we are out living our lives most of the days (we're not) so may not be able to process your order as soon as you submit it. Also, baring in mind the difficulties that the United Kingdom seem to have whenever any speck of "bad weather" hits, it may take longer for your order to reach your door sometimes. Please also allow for the fact your postman may have a limp and might not amble towards your letterbox with the frenzied urgency you are expecting. Be patient.
I'M PRETTY NEW TO THIS, SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "PRE-ORDER"? IS IT ANYTHING LIKE PRE-CUM?
This basically means we don't have the items yet, and can't help ourselves when it comes to blowing our beans early. (Premature ejaculation is a common and embarrassing problem). You will receive your goods (lol) after WE have took receipt of them. I guess the bullet-point of this whole article is to be PATIENT. Have you seen us live? We can't even hold a mic straight or stop our clothes falling off, you're lucky that between us we have the motor-skills to get this thing up and running in the first place.
MY EX TOOK ALL OF MY MONEY AND VALUABLES AND CHILDREN IN THE DIVORCE, WHERE CAN I HELP MYSELF TO YOUR MATERIAL FOR FREE?
We're genuinely sorry to hear that, but fret not, you can find us on Facebook here. We like to keep it updated, you can INTERACT with us as though we were real people and also listen to a few tracks. We sadly cannot accept an enchanting dance as payment for any of our merchandise.
I IS ORDERING A COCK-LOAD OF GEAR OFF OF YOU, CAN I GET A DISCOUNT ON DA POSTAGE BRUV?
This is not standard practice, if you're ordering twice the amount then we're posting twice the amount and therefore still paying twice the amount to the Queen to get the stuff into your filthy paws. Pop us a message on the 'contact us' section in any extenuating circumstances and we'll see what we can do. We probably won't be able to do anything, but we might be famous one day and you'll be able to take a print-out of a confused response from our hungover bassist to those guys on PAWN STARS and they'll probably give you like, 20 bucks for it.
I NOTICE ALL OF YOUR TOGS, ROBES AND VESTMENTS ARE SOLD OUT. HOW QUICKLY/OFTEN DO YOU RE-STOCK?
We stock up as soon as you buy our things and we have other things ready to give to some people what then make more things for us to sell to you. It's Mufasa's classic 'circle of life', only we are the lions, you are the antelopes and our merchandise is the grass (if you are looking to act out this answer, dramatically, you could be Simba. Be sure to convey a wide-eyed wonder and deep sense of awe).